I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.