God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
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Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
kitchen magnet
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*