I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.