Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
You Might Also Like
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Don’t snitch tag.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.