if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
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*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Body by Oreos
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*