‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.