[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.