Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
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My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Pickled cat.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
No. He’s not coming out to play
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.