This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
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“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
#dalle2
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.