depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
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Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
nobody’s gonna understand
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do