I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.