I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.