I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
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At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.