me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
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My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
do horses think humans are hats
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.