Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.