Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I wish all tests were things you peed on
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory