Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
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Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇