I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.