Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?