so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Great acting.. 😂
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now