Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.