The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Twitter is an abusement park.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.