Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*