Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
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[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
i made a craigslist ad !
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Every work meeting this week
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.