Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
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No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one