I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
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Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what