In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
You Might Also Like
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
no
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Never be a pizza!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?