I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Nomnomnomnom
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Just me?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.