why count sheep when I can count my troubles
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*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
only 11 steps left
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”