It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.