Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
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Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.