I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
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cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
2 years later
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]