Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER