Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
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I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?