Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Doormats are a gateway rug.