You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
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My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Who’s ready for Friday?!
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.