I think the cat got the dog high.
You Might Also Like
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!