Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”