Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*