Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Incredible customer service.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
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*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
when dads have a rap battle
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
those birds must be on payroll
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
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WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.