*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time