My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys