beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
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I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
me irl
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time