Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.