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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
favorite tropes as memes
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…