Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
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If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol