[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year