Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Every photo I’m tagged in
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”