Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
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I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
She puts the hot in psychotic
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.