Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
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The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.